Into A Cave – How To Make Meaning With Anxiety

November 21, 2024

by Hagar Harpak

Come with me into a cave for a moment. A deep breath in… A slow breath out…Let’s walk toward that dark embrace. We’ll follow the howling sounds of the inner beast, the whispers of waves rising and falling in the ocean of the unconscious. Śiva, lord of yoga, Hindu wild god of ecstasy, might meet us there. 

Dwelling in the darkness of the unknown, in the heart’s inner sanctum, in the mind that has been tilled and torn to pieces, tangled and tended to tenderly, we’ll meet this untamed, ash smeared, meditative magic man. 

Like Dyonisuys of the Greeks, Śiva is an ecstatic god, and sometimes an ascetic one, unlike the divinity of the vine who would never consider such an idea. He’s an ancient new pathway carved through bliss and wildness, a dancer, an artist, an animal, an intoxicating plant. A power within us and a current around us we can access, or witness, worship, or ritualize, collaborate with, or not.

So often Śiva is thought of as a serene figure, because he’s an icon of meditation. He is a deity that has come to be a symbol of consciousness, or as some spiritual traditions from India (such as Kashmir Śaivism) like to refer to as Supreme Consciousness (capital letters are used to make the concept appear more important and inarguable). And consciousness is often spoken of in spiritual circles as a “higher” knowing, which has become inseparable from a chill vibe associated with enlightened beings.

There are dangers to that kind of certainty, and to the arrogance that comes with the idea of something being absolute with a capital A. It’s the materials gurus are made of, and autocrats are crafted from. It’s at the very core of religion and fascism. 

When you look at Śiva lore, you meet a super flawed character. Flawed like you and I are flawed. He’s not always calm. He can get really agitated. He’s known to burn people with fire that erupts out of his third eye, because if you interrupt his meditation he becomes uncontrollably angry. He’s not always able to contain his sexual energy. He can be a real dick to his beloved, Parvati. And let’s not forget that he severed the head of his own son (it’s true, he didn’t know it was his son yet, and he did give him an elephant head instead, but still). 

Śiva is not perfect. But his imperfection isn’t the problem. It’s the invincibility that we project onto him, that is the issue. Or the immunity that he sometimes thinks he possesses. It’s the delusion of perfection or impenetrability that we need to be very careful with. The rigidity of invulnerability is something we need to watch out for. If you’re not allowed to question it, you need to be super vigilant around it. And that can make our nervous system go into hyper stimulation mode. 

Can you feel it? Do you feel your nervous system going into hyper vigilance with Trumpism and progressive fascism both? This period in history is tough on our sensitivity. Deep belly breaths, my friend… inhale and expand your belly… exhale super slowly and let your abdominal region relax. 

As we walk into the cave, and feel the feral in our bones pulsing, and see the snakes in Śiva’s hair dancing, we might not feel comfortable. It might not give us comfort to learn that those snakes coming out of his head are the anxieties we all experience. It may not console anyone when we come to terms with our inability to resolve them, but that instead we must learn to work with, to manage, to deal with, to grapple with, to keep them in check. But the idea of total resolution takes us back to the problematics of finality, of perfection, of absolutism.  

I think it’s important that we look for bliss and count our blessings and actively engage the muscles of hope, envisioning something better, and working toward it too. I’m not advocating for anxiety and depression. I just want us to be careful of the very dangerous slippery slope of invulnerability, of thinking that we can banish anxiety forever, and arrive at a final solution (I choose those words very carefully, because I want us to see the connection). 

Śiva wears snakes as ornaments because he is our ability to turn the poison of the anxious mind into something beautiful, into an artful expression. The poetic heart can thrive in times of trouble and periods of grief. But the snakes still come out of his head, because there are things in this world that are oppressive and menacing and problematic, and we must tend to the trauma and make room for the discomfort, learn from the triggers, and integrate the shadow. Otherwise we become it. Life is never without its perils and griefs, but it can be continuously crafted beautifully. 

These are stressful times. The unraveling of a world in war. The threshold of another Trump presidency and the path of authoritarianism so easily carved. Fascism from the right. Brainwashing, binary thinking, and rigidity on the far left. Narcissistic society. Ignorance. Selfishness. Aggression. Human rights violated. The snakes have a good reason to dance. 

And still, still, still, we can make something beautiful with the stress, we can laugh together at yet another ridiculous nomination, we can cry together too, because our sadness is an expression of care and love, and our tears salty rivers of meaning. We can bring tenderness to a conversation. We can tend to the garden of our mind, and consider turning it into a community garden. We can grow food together. We can get angry. And build a hearth for the fire of our rage, and cook something nourishing as we gather around it. 

Are you here with me in the cave?

Take a deep breath in and hold the breath at the top for a moment. Just a moment. The yogis say that in that space we can touch the universe. That this is the midline where individual consciousness and the vast expanse of cosmic consciousness converge. Exhale slowly. There is intensity in the space between the breaths, not just serenity. There is fire and ferocity. Because the universe isn’t all love and light. Because there’s more dark matter than illumination. Because the light comes from ferocious explosions of gas giants that emanate destructive heat. But this intensity is also creative. The explosive force of stars and galaxies is also generative. And the cosmos is an actively creative process of dissolution and reconfiguration. And it’s stunning. 

I learned from Douglas Brooks that the word “Ahi” in Sanskrit, which is one of the words for snakes, is etymologically related to the word “Anxiety” in English. The serpent is a symbol that moves us side to side to include more aspects of this world, more pieces of ourselves, more components of reality. 

When the serpent is Kundalini, she is the force of awakening. Awareness expands as she travels from the base of the spine to the crown of the head. When she emerges from Śiva’s head as the snakes of his anxieties, she tells us that awakening can be rude. That it isn’t a peaceful event. That it isn’t a one directional journey that leads to one state. She tells us that as our awareness grows, so do our fears and anxieties, because the more of this world we become aware of, the more complex we understand it to be. The more flavors we’re going to taste, the more colors and shades we’re able to recognize will not make things simpler. But the meaning and magic and love will also expand. 

Awareness and meditation don’t make things easier. But our practice can increase our capacity to comprehend. We can become more receptive, and our boundaries grow stronger simultaneously. We become less sure of ourselves, but with that we can also grow deeper roots in an ecosystem more diverse, where we rewild ourselves and civilize ourselves at the same time. 

Wanna practice together? Come to class on Fridays at Crescent Yoga in Altadena at 9:30AM. We’ll move, breathe, and make life meaningful. 

To keep journeying into the darkness, into the cave, following the pathway of the sun, join me for the first in person Somatic Ceremony in years at the beach on Saturday December 21st – 2pm-5pm. The Winter Solstice Somatic Ceremony is a deep, immersive experience. Let’s walk through the profound portal of the death and rebirth of the sun together! It’s a mythic, symbolic, magical event and I am so excited to gather with you! All the details are here

Take care of yourself. Take good care of others too. And let me knwo if you have any questions. 

Much love,

Hagar

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